word junk

For the longest time I fought the annoying urge to keep to myself. I mean, everyone I looked up to was outgoing (extroverted). I would ask people to hangout. Text people all the time. Try to think of witty things to say. Find things to do with people and try to get groups of people together to do activities. I hated when I was with most people (not family related). I would be with people and wish I was home or with individuals that I felt comfortable with. I guess this coincides with myself growing up. As I get older, I find that I don't care what people think. If I want to be alone, I'll just walk away and go read or clean (not the funniest activity but I make due).. probably not the friendliest approach, and it can get pretty award a some points, but like I said... I don't care. Most days I do wish I was more outgoing and wanted/ had more friends. I mostly wish I had someone to talk to. I like listening, but having a symbiotic relationship of talking would be ideal. I guess it doesn't bother me too much. I'm used to being ignored. I mean, my whole childhood I never felt wanted. I remember begging my mom to let me live with my dad. Constant tears of hate and frustration. I just wanted to be somewhere I was comfortable and wanted.
This blog has turned to me complaining. But who else am I supposed to turn to? I have so much bottled up and this is the place that I can get it all out.
My life is pretty great though. So Just ignore this...

Exposer is no place for a coward

I've never felt so depressed in my life. I guess having a home and a safe place is my comfort. I never knew trying to make people happy was such a daunting task and I feel drained. So when does the cortisol start kicking in? When do I go into fight mode and start making life my bitch. Or am I the  one that flees? Life was going so great. How could I let my guard down. Now, as I have no home, the semester comes and I haven't seriously studied once.. And I don't even care if I don't do well. That doesn't sound like me and I don't know what's wrong. From the student that's never been late or missed an assignment. I'm ready to surrender. Here's my white flag. You won.

Annual update...

!!!! And you guessed it, still doing the same thing as the last time I updated about myself. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing...
Today I just thought i'd do something different and blogging was just the thing. Maybe because I have way to much on my mind.
Don't you just hate when every negative thought comes to your mind. When you do nothing but feel sorry for yourself. Or when you feel like crying for no apparent reason. Yeah, I hate days like that too. I don't even know why I get in that mind set. I'm generally a happy person.
But a thought that always keeps reoccurring in my mind is... how much I hate my parents. And how much I envy people with good ones. I can't help but think how selfish my mom and dad are. What even makes an individual selfish? No one teaches it to their kids, it seems like a natural instinct? I don't understand. Anyway, that could be a whole other blog post in and of itself. I love my parents, promise. I just hate how they  are oblivious to their children. Now, here I am, fearing I'll turn out just like them... or better yet hating people that remind me of them. When someone is selfish or oblivious to other people. I can't help but clench my teeth together and try to let the moment pass. My only hope is probably my sister. The love she has for her kids is pure and her selflessness for them boggles my mind. Where did she learn that, certainty not from my parents. Where I'd be without her, I don't like to think about.
Anyway, I feel somewhat better.

That time again?

here Please, please, please tell me i'm not the only abnormal person... that always thinks about death.  It's a sore in my mouth that I can't leave alone. It's my roommates alarm that I can vaguely hear in the mornings, just enough to wake me but not loud enough to disturb me completely. 
Maybe it's because my birthday is tomorrow, and I dread nothing more than growing up. But, I can't shake the thought of dying or worse... losing people I love. Isn't that the most horrible thing ever? Loving something and inevitably knowing they'll be gone. I guess this shouldn't be a big deal and all, because I can't do a thing about it. But, it's bothering me more so than ever. It's making me become agitated with people and myself. I don't like it. And I hope it passes soon. 

It has been a recurring question, and you think that it would get easier to answer. But its never been easy for me to answer. I have a mini melt down when I'm forced to answer it.
So, for the sake of reassurance that I do in fact enjoy things, i need to put my mind at ease.
... I like reading, I love it actually. My favorite places and people are in a paper back novel on my shelf.
I like writing. I've never been anything close to a verbal person. I even find myself stuttering over words sometimes and when I try to explain something to someone, it never makes sense.
I like film cameras anything more and i'm not as amused. 
I like when I have nothing to do during the day, and I can do anything or nothing, if I please.
I like traveling. Secretly, I think its my best favorite because I'm usually with Scott.
I like being wrong. It forces me to be right. 
I like animals. A lot!
I like memorizing poems, camping, rock climbing, music...
I guess I could go on all day. But i'll stop. 

Unable are the Loved to die
For Love is Immortality,
Nay, it is Deity—

Unable they that love—to die
For Love reforms Vitality
Into Divinity. 
I just memorized this.. now I need to find a new one. 

 

When I die

When I die.
When my brain stops processing.
When my breathing slows to nothing.
When I start going in and out of reality.
When that cooling sensation overwhelms me.
When ever that happens...
Just let me go.

When I die, just let me go.
Don't keep me alive... with Facebook pages or writing on my 'wall'.
I want to be none existent. It's either that, or I want glory to my name..
But, lets be honest. That won't happen.
If you miss me, I'll know.
So, just let me go.

My life is becoming a chore.
I wake up dreading each day. More. And. More.
I have to talk myself out of quitting my job.
I can't help but stare at people and wish I were them.
Because anything is better than.. this.
I'm getting used to myself again. Because my own company always seems rather dull. But, I prefer it over other.
I used to love looking at and taking pictures. That too is a chore. And I'm starting to hate it.
Gloomy over cast days is all I want.That, and sleep.
Where my mind can wonder, but my body can go limp.

Sunshine and road trips

On my most recent adventure, I went on a smallish road trip to Riggins, Idaho.
Small, podunk town in what seems like is hidden behind rolling mountains. Beautiful and scorching hot- it was a blast.
Nothing can compare to throwing back your seat, closing your eyes, and the only sound is the tires skimming the road.
When that warm sun radiantly hits your eye lids and warms your skin, like you were made for nothing else but to succumb to the rays engulfing every cell in your body. You can't sleep, for the movement of shadows just puts you in a trance. You can't help but to think about everything and nothing all at once. With the person you adore to adoration's fullest potential. The sense that they are next to you makes your heart go into arrhythmia. Not because you need them or you feel insecure without them, but because it's quite the opposite.
Now, time for the next adventure. Because I feed off long days, good company, and  being somewhere that's unfamiliar to me. 

I still blog?

Enjoy(: I have the biggest love hate relationship with my days off. I get so bored when I'm home all day. I have spent all day reading about plants and plant reproduction. I promise, if I hear or see the words male stamen or pistil i'll vomit.

Is it bad to be content with something that you shouldn't be content with?
Seems that's the ultimate goal of most. To be content... or something to that sort.
I just feel like I'm becoming content with who I am, which isn't a bad thing- I guess..
I just know this isn't who I want to be. I mean, who willing wants to be the too shy girl that would rather read than go out and be, you know, social. The girl that holds back because she's afraid of the world. The weirdly passively aggressive girl that is around because, she was invited by someone else. Or the  always under dressed, doesn't have a real hobby, thinks to much, never knows what to say to anyone, and is overly obsessed how her apps on her phone are arranged. Seriously though, its like apple is playing a sick prank on me. Nothing looks right!!

I used to be so anal about my future. Down to the last detail I had it planned out. Sketched enticingly in my mind, and it was beautiful. It would actually motivate me to do things. Now, all I want is for my future room to have white Christmas lights strung everywhere. Nothing is better than falling asleep to the soft calming glow of worn out Christmas lights strung every which way.

Like always, my attention span is pestering me to do something else. Maybe i'll write more tomorrow..?

'The Sun, with all the planets revolving around it, and depending on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as though it had nothing else in the Universe to do.'     - Galileo Galilei