Thursday, September 26, 2013

That time again?

here Please, please, please tell me i'm not the only abnormal person... that always thinks about death.  It's a sore in my mouth that I can't leave alone. It's my roommates alarm that I can vaguely hear in the mornings, just enough to wake me but not loud enough to disturb me completely. 
Maybe it's because my birthday is tomorrow, and I dread nothing more than growing up. But, I can't shake the thought of dying or worse... losing people I love. Isn't that the most horrible thing ever? Loving something and inevitably knowing they'll be gone. I guess this shouldn't be a big deal and all, because I can't do a thing about it. But, it's bothering me more so than ever. It's making me become agitated with people and myself. I don't like it. And I hope it passes soon. 

It has been a recurring question, and you think that it would get easier to answer. But its never been easy for me to answer. I have a mini melt down when I'm forced to answer it.
So, for the sake of reassurance that I do in fact enjoy things, i need to put my mind at ease.
... I like reading, I love it actually. My favorite places and people are in a paper back novel on my shelf.
I like writing. I've never been anything close to a verbal person. I even find myself stuttering over words sometimes and when I try to explain something to someone, it never makes sense.
I like film cameras anything more and i'm not as amused. 
I like when I have nothing to do during the day, and I can do anything or nothing, if I please.
I like traveling. Secretly, I think its my best favorite because I'm usually with Scott.
I like being wrong. It forces me to be right. 
I like animals. A lot!
I like memorizing poems, camping, rock climbing, music...
I guess I could go on all day. But i'll stop. 

Unable are the Loved to die
For Love is Immortality,
Nay, it is Deity—

Unable they that love—to die
For Love reforms Vitality
Into Divinity. 

I just memorized this.. now I need to find a new one. 


Monday, August 12, 2013

When I die

When I die.
When my brain stops processing.
When my breathing slows to nothing.
When I start going in and out of reality.
When that cooling sensation overwhelms me.
When ever that happens...
Just let me go.

When I die, just let me go.
Don't keep me alive... with Facebook pages or writing on my 'wall'.
I want to be none existent. It's either that, or I want glory to my name..
But, lets be honest. That won't happen.
If you miss me, I'll know.
So, just let me go.

My life is becoming a chore.
I wake up dreading each day. More. And. More.
I have to talk myself out of quitting my job.
I can't help but stare at people and wish I were them.
Because anything is better than.. this.
I'm getting used to myself again. Because my own company always seems rather dull. But, I prefer it over other.
I used to love looking at and taking pictures. That too is a chore. And I'm starting to hate it.
Gloomy over cast days is all I want.That, and sleep.
Where my mind can wonder, but my body can go limp.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Sunshine and road trips

On my most recent adventure, I went on a smallish road trip to Riggins, Idaho.
Small, podunk town in what seems like is hidden behind rolling mountains. Beautiful and scorching hot- it was a blast.
Nothing can compare to throwing back your seat, closing your eyes, and the only sound is the tires skimming the road.
When that warm sun radiantly hits your eye lids and warms your skin, like you were made for nothing else but to succumb to the rays engulfing every cell in your body. You can't sleep, for the movement of shadows just puts you in a trance. You can't help but to think about everything and nothing all at once. With the person you adore to adoration's fullest potential. The sense that they are next to you makes your heart go into arrhythmia. Not because you need them or you feel insecure without them, but because it's quite the opposite.
Now, time for the next adventure. Because I feed off long days, good company, and  being somewhere that's unfamiliar to me. 

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

I still blog?

Enjoy(: I have the biggest love hate relationship with my days off. I get so bored when I'm home all day. I have spent all day reading about plants and plant reproduction. I promise, if I hear or see the words male stamen or pistil i'll vomit.

Is it bad to be content with something that you shouldn't be content with?
Seems that's the ultimate goal of most. To be content... or something to that sort.
I just feel like I'm becoming content with who I am, which isn't a bad thing- I guess..
I just know this isn't who I want to be. I mean, who willing wants to be the too shy girl that would rather read than go out and be, you know, social. The girl that holds back because she's afraid of the world. The weirdly passively aggressive girl that is around because, she was invited by someone else. Or the  always under dressed, doesn't have a real hobby, thinks to much, never knows what to say to anyone, and is overly obsessed how her apps on her phone are arranged. Seriously though, its like apple is playing a sick prank on me. Nothing looks right!!

I used to be so anal about my future. Down to the last detail I had it planned out. Sketched enticingly in my mind, and it was beautiful. It would actually motivate me to do things. Now, all I want is for my future room to have white Christmas lights strung everywhere. Nothing is better than falling asleep to the soft calming glow of worn out Christmas lights strung every which way.

Like always, my attention span is pestering me to do something else. Maybe i'll write more tomorrow..?

'The Sun, with all the planets revolving around it, and depending on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as though it had nothing else in the Universe to do.'     - Galileo Galilei

Monday, April 1, 2013

Please stop.

I keep catching myself red handed. Betrayed and ashamed. Its like a little white lie that has spread through out my body but originating in my bones. now, now its a full gone sepsis and I breath calmly, somewhat knowing its my destined route. I can almost feel it spreading, if I hold really still and try not to move. What once was so second nature now seems like my life depends on it. If I let go of it, I fear I would hemorrhage and die. I feel like if it left me, I'd have no place to go and I'd probably miss the barbaric thing. I think it hits everyone. But do they notice it too? Can they feel its weight pulling, yanking, drawing them in too? Or is this just how it is? Do I just accept it?
I feel as if I don't enjoy everything I do. When I'm one place, I yearn to be somewhere else. It eats at me so I can't fully enjoy my day. My seconds are passing by as minutes and my minutes as hours and you guessed it, my hours passing by as days. I count down to the time I get to leave and happily do what I want. What I enjoy. It's about me, because I'm selfish. 
When I'm at school, I wish I was home. Or when I'm at work it has become a second job in and of itself to look at that clock, to count down to when I get to leave.  I count down the seconds, milliseconds, nanoseconds until I'm to my sanctuary. I feel like this is the reason my life seems like it's passing by so fast. I'm always so busy, and not enjoying the small things. I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too. If I enjoyed everything, then the things I do enjoy most would seem less fulfilling.

Well, there's my nonsense for the day. Proceed with what you were previously doing, until next time..

Wednesday, February 27, 2013


Why can't I sleep, even though I'm exhausted. Why can't I eat, even though I'm starving.
Well, today is a different day and I already wish it was over. I wish I was home from school already and under my blankets that know how to comfort me and seems like they always know when I've had a less than appealing day. Plug my head phones in, and put the world on pause... Even if it is for two songs on pandora, then the 30 second commercial comes on and I'm briefly brought back to reality. Good thing it only last for 30 seconds.... Then I'm back.
Should I even go to school today? I'll just be a zombie if I do. I'll just be that overly nice, too quiet girl. That no one appreciates. Well, I cannot confirm nor deny that...
Only a few more class days and a handleful of work days and I can do what I want. Not sure what that exactly is.. Pack up and move somewhere? Take a vacation? Lay out in the sun all day?
Well, I'm going to go humor myself and at least enjoy my semi comfortable bed and peck at my 'protein breakfast' 3 egg whites, 1 yolk, and 4 oz carbs.

Friday, February 8, 2013

I suck.

ClickI guess some people are destened to be alone, forever. I guess I'm one of those people.
I honestly don't know how to be in a functional relationship.
You know those couples that start going out then not even two weeks later they say they "I love you". They move in with each other within a month and have joint Facebooks. Then 3 months later (a whole month more than you had predicted) they are broken up. *repeat cycle with different significat other* Yeah... i'd almost rather be in one of those realtionships. At least they know how to be in functional reationship more than me.
Me and my awkward affection.
Me and my no good emotion.
Me and my hate for opening up to people.
Me and my ignorance how to love another individual.
Me and my anti-social attitude.
Me and my fear of liking someone, then losing them.

I don't know how to get myself out of this phase. Time? Practice? Or acceptence that this is just how I am?
I confide in my roommate a lot. He tells me that I do know how to be in a functional relationship. But not everyone knows what kind of realtionship they're in.
I guess I see where he's coming from.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

What do you do..

What do you do when you don't care who comes or goes. When Days are just days and you can only think about curling under blankets and reading a book . When dropping out of school and moving away crosses your mind way too much. When you want something but you are scared to obtain it. When listening to music is the only thing that will calm your nerves...
What do you do when you don't have anything special about you and it is slowly starting to be more relevant that you don't have a passion like everyone else...
When your friend asks you, 'what's one thing that you really like, it can be anything- food, family member, activity.. and you don't have an answer. You just awkwardly sit there and try to change the subject. Oddly enough you don't have to answer, but it eats at you for weeks.
Seriously, what do you do?
I'm not trying to be diagnosed with clinical depression or anything. I just feel like... I'm lost.
I mean... I love doing things. Count me in for interaction. But, I don't feel like its a passion or a hobbie.
I don't have a friend that i'm close to because we enjoy the 'same thing'.. I don't know how that would even be possible, considering I don't even know what I really enjoy.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Hibernation and stuff related to not waking up for prolonged durations..

I've honestly have been staring at this stupid computer screen for a good 10 minutes.
I don't even know where to start. So, I guess I'll start by starting off by writing about now knowing where to start..
^That was a horribly constructed intro..
Anyway, I started school on Monday. It's alright.
I really need to figure out a schedule and stick to it. I have this mentality that if I have a strict regime that my life will start being simple again.
Today I've realized a few things.
1. My whole life can be stuffed into 3 small garbage bags.
2. I really enjoy poetry.
3. I must always take my headphones everywhere, it makes people more tolerable.
4. No matter what time I wake up I'll always be tired, so I might as well just wake up at 7am like I need to do.
5. I need to put more effort into things.

 'Slut,' by Daphne Gottlieb
i die first
in every horror movie,
before the innocent boyfriend, the too-
curious best friend
and the foolhardy pal.
death comes blind fast
and easy, familiar as the top button of
my blouse popping open
and suddenly i’m an angel
on the cutting room
floor, wearing gore,
a blank stare, not much
i do it over and over.
i can play
like this for hours.
sometimes i enter a dark
room and unbutton
my shirt, rock my hips
side to side
until the killer’s music comes on.
then I button up
quick, laughing or
shaking, sometimes
from the way i look
after i’m split open
you’d never know:
i was born a baby.
i still sleep
with my stuffed poodle.
her name is “tammy.”
after my parents divorced, i wet
the bed for a year.
i want to be a nurse.
my favorite color is blue.
first kiss at 12,
first shame at 13,
first blood at 14.
skipped four years
of gym, skimmed just the tips
of my stepfather’s
fingers, nothing more.
i never took my clothes off
for a doctor but my body
became a secret
all the boys knew
and i didn’t.
the ghost story
made me a ghost.
now, at 16,
i only remember my own
skin when i am touched.
it makes me real
when i strip down,
take it off, find the edges of my body
through your eyes or under
your hands, against your skin.
it feels like death
every time you
there is nothing i can do
except open my throat
and say the word for girls
who are the ghosts of want:
i’ll take my shirt off
while you watch—
call it love
when the knife rips
through my ribs,
when the ice pick cracks
my chest, or however
it happens this time
but first
here’s my prayer:
that what happens to girls like me
who die dirty, give it up
with a shudder like pleasure—
pray that when we’re killed as martyrs
we get loved like saints.