Personally, I try not think too much into my past. But, in reality it was a huge part of what made me, well, me... duh. I'm not writing to get sympathy or a pat on the back. More so to maybe help myself now, and later. Maybe if you read this you'll see me as a person, and not just some girl that has weird antics or bad habits. Or maybe we can relate to each other.
This will be in different ages that I can remember. Different events in my life that I can recall. It wont be consistent, I can promise you that. I'll post now and maybe post again in 2 years.. that's just what works for me. This is me, enjoy.
AGE 8
By this time my parents have gotten a divorce. I'm too young to understand the concept of not loving or even loving someone, so this has no real affect on my now. I don't even remember my parents telling me they were getting divorced, I think my mom just left my dad and I woke up somewhere different that morning. When I say left my dad, she literally left.. he had to deal with the house, moving everything, selling everything, dealing with the questions floating around. I do remember all too well being the only girl in school and church that had divorced parents. I felt like I was a disease, my church leaders would look at me like I was abandoned, like I was a stray. I hated feeling different or looked out like my life was doomed to be normal. With their divorce I also can remember is going from house to house. To my dads, my mom, my grandmas, moving to different apartments with my mom, sleeping on the couch as my dads, staying up way too late with no supervision with my bother.
The thing that bothers me at this age is moving to so many different schools. I'm not sure why my mom moved around so much. I moved so much that I don't even remember my teachers names, I just remember their faces. I remember friends, I remember faces of friends, I remember the feeling of always being the new kid, it never went away.
I'm 8 years old (and counties until i'm 10 or so) and still sleep in my dads bed sometimes. I can't grasp if it is wrong or not. Even now, I'm not sure what to think of it. Nothing ever happened, maybe it was because I didn't have a bed- I'll just leave it at that.
At this time my mom remarries the biggest piece of shit. Granted I'm 8, I don't know how to judge character. His name is Kay. Have you ever not felt safe in your own home, in your own room? It's a feeling that no one should have to feel. fast forward a few years, I'm 10. I have outburst of hating my life. I scream and cry and yell. I hate living with my mom. Everyday I tell her I want to live with my dad. She never gives in. Why does she want me living there? She never gives me the time of day and it's clear she'd rather spend her time with Kay. I'm not wanted, but I'm stuck. I can't even leave my room most days, because I hate the way Kay looks at me. I hate being a girl, I hate myself.
I tell my mom I'm uncomfortable around him, nothing happens, and I'm pushed aside.
My dad- doesn't know how to be a dad. God, does that feel good to get out. My whole life i've lied to myself about him. Oh, he'd help anyone in heart beat, but he'll forget his kids birthdays and not get you anything for christmas. Not the point, but also the point. He was my hero growing up, but things change.
My mom- poison. I don't really know another word to describe her. She really is one of the nicest people you'll meet. But being selfish is poison. She'll talk all day about loving you, but always choose herself in the end. Always. It's tiring, it's draining, it's life. You'll never be able to change someone like her. I've tried my whole life. All it has gotten me is sleepless nights and lots of tears.
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