Please stop.

I keep catching myself red handed. Betrayed and ashamed. Its like a little white lie that has spread through out my body but originating in my bones. now, now its a full gone sepsis and I breath calmly, somewhat knowing its my destined route. I can almost feel it spreading, if I hold really still and try not to move. What once was so second nature now seems like my life depends on it. If I let go of it, I fear I would hemorrhage and die. I feel like if it left me, I'd have no place to go and I'd probably miss the barbaric thing. I think it hits everyone. But do they notice it too? Can they feel its weight pulling, yanking, drawing them in too? Or is this just how it is? Do I just accept it?
I feel as if I don't enjoy everything I do. When I'm one place, I yearn to be somewhere else. It eats at me so I can't fully enjoy my day. My seconds are passing by as minutes and my minutes as hours and you guessed it, my hours passing by as days. I count down to the time I get to leave and happily do what I want. What I enjoy. It's about me, because I'm selfish. 
When I'm at school, I wish I was home. Or when I'm at work it has become a second job in and of itself to look at that clock, to count down to when I get to leave.  I count down the seconds, milliseconds, nanoseconds until I'm to my sanctuary. I feel like this is the reason my life seems like it's passing by so fast. I'm always so busy, and not enjoying the small things. I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too. If I enjoyed everything, then the things I do enjoy most would seem less fulfilling.




Well, there's my nonsense for the day. Proceed with what you were previously doing, until next time..

Why...

Why can't I sleep, even though I'm exhausted. Why can't I eat, even though I'm starving.
Well, today is a different day and I already wish it was over. I wish I was home from school already and under my blankets that know how to comfort me and seems like they always know when I've had a less than appealing day. Plug my head phones in, and put the world on pause... Even if it is for two songs on pandora, then the 30 second commercial comes on and I'm briefly brought back to reality. Good thing it only last for 30 seconds.... Then I'm back.
Should I even go to school today? I'll just be a zombie if I do. I'll just be that overly nice, too quiet girl. That no one appreciates. Well, I cannot confirm nor deny that...
Only a few more class days and a handleful of work days and I can do what I want. Not sure what that exactly is.. Pack up and move somewhere? Take a vacation? Lay out in the sun all day?
Well, I'm going to go humor myself and at least enjoy my semi comfortable bed and peck at my 'protein breakfast' 3 egg whites, 1 yolk, and 4 oz carbs.

I suck.

ClickI guess some people are destened to be alone, forever. I guess I'm one of those people.
I honestly don't know how to be in a functional relationship.
You know those couples that start going out then not even two weeks later they say they "I love you". They move in with each other within a month and have joint Facebooks. Then 3 months later (a whole month more than you had predicted) they are broken up. *repeat cycle with different significat other* Yeah... i'd almost rather be in one of those realtionships. At least they know how to be in functional reationship more than me.
Me and my awkward affection.
Me and my no good emotion.
Me and my hate for opening up to people.
Me and my ignorance how to love another individual.
Me and my anti-social attitude.
Me and my fear of liking someone, then losing them.

I don't know how to get myself out of this phase. Time? Practice? Or acceptence that this is just how I am?
I confide in my roommate a lot. He tells me that I do know how to be in a functional relationship. But not everyone knows what kind of realtionship they're in.
I guess I see where he's coming from.

What do you do..

What do you do when you don't care who comes or goes. When Days are just days and you can only think about curling under blankets and reading a book . When dropping out of school and moving away crosses your mind way too much. When you want something but you are scared to obtain it. When listening to music is the only thing that will calm your nerves...
What do you do when you don't have anything special about you and it is slowly starting to be more relevant that you don't have a passion like everyone else...
When your friend asks you, 'what's one thing that you really like, it can be anything- food, family member, activity.. and you don't have an answer. You just awkwardly sit there and try to change the subject. Oddly enough you don't have to answer, but it eats at you for weeks.
Seriously, what do you do?
I'm not trying to be diagnosed with clinical depression or anything. I just feel like... I'm lost.
I mean... I love doing things. Count me in for interaction. But, I don't feel like its a passion or a hobbie.
I don't have a friend that i'm close to because we enjoy the 'same thing'.. I don't know how that would even be possible, considering I don't even know what I really enjoy.

Hibernation and stuff related to not waking up for prolonged durations..

I've honestly have been staring at this stupid computer screen for a good 10 minutes.
I don't even know where to start. So, I guess I'll start by starting off by writing about now knowing where to start..
^That was a horribly constructed intro..
Anyway, I started school on Monday. It's alright.
I really need to figure out a schedule and stick to it. I have this mentality that if I have a strict regime that my life will start being simple again.
Today I've realized a few things.
1. My whole life can be stuffed into 3 small garbage bags.
2. I really enjoy poetry.
3. I must always take my headphones everywhere, it makes people more tolerable.
4. No matter what time I wake up I'll always be tired, so I might as well just wake up at 7am like I need to do.
5. I need to put more effort into things.

 'Slut,' by Daphne Gottlieb
i die first
in every horror movie,
before the innocent boyfriend, the too-
curious best friend
and the foolhardy pal.
death comes blind fast
and easy, familiar as the top button of
my blouse popping open
and suddenly i’m an angel
on the cutting room
floor, wearing gore,
a blank stare, not much
more.
i do it over and over.
i can play
like this for hours.
sometimes i enter a dark
room and unbutton
my shirt, rock my hips
side to side
until the killer’s music comes on.
then I button up
quick, laughing or
shaking, sometimes
both.
from the way i look
after i’m split open
you’d never know:
i was born a baby.
i still sleep
with my stuffed poodle.
her name is “tammy.”
after my parents divorced, i wet
the bed for a year.
i want to be a nurse.
my favorite color is blue.
first kiss at 12,
first shame at 13,
first blood at 14.
skipped four years
of gym, skimmed just the tips
of my stepfather’s
fingers, nothing more.
i never took my clothes off
for a doctor but my body
became a secret
handshake
all the boys knew
and i didn’t.
the ghost story
made me a ghost.
now, at 16,
i only remember my own
skin when i am touched.
it makes me real
when i strip down,
take it off, find the edges of my body
through your eyes or under
your hands, against your skin.
it feels like death
every time you
stop.
there is nothing i can do
except open my throat
and say the word for girls
who are the ghosts of want:
“slut.”
i’ll take my shirt off
while you watch—
call it love
when the knife rips
through my ribs,
when the ice pick cracks
my chest, or however
it happens this time
but first
here’s my prayer:
that what happens to girls like me
who die dirty, give it up
with a shudder like pleasure—
pray that when we’re killed as martyrs
we get loved like saints.

Bout that time

It's about time that I update the world. And by the world I mean you. And by you I mean myself. Because I'm about as entertaining as grass growing, so I'm pretty much writing in regards to myself.
Well, I don't feel like anything has changed since the last time I wrote, but then I look back and nothing is the same. So, riddle me that :/
I went to California for the first time. Can I please just live there? Better yet, can I please just go on another vacation?
This awful awful semester is finally over. Now, time to buckle down and just get the rest done with. I'm so ready to do something more than just half-assing my way through things. The best thing about life, when you mess up, you can just try again. So, here's to my 2nd attempt to do better and here's to my 1st attempt to do it. Does that even make sense?... yeah, didn't think so.
Anyway, today I went to my sister's house for dinner. I rode over with my Dad and brother. It was nice to see all of them. Those baby nieces of mine amaze me.

Over all, my life is still wonderful. Every now and then I always think, 'my life is perfect right now, I have all the people I need and want'. But, the last time I honestly thought that, my Grandma passed away shortly after... but nonetheless I still cautiously think it from time to time.

Some days,

I can't get this song out of my mind.
Some days I make it a point to go unnoticed. To not make contact with anyone around me, even if I go out and walk around. I try to avoid talking to anyone. I just try to not a say a word all day. Sounds depressing, right? I think it's more relaxing than anything.

 

 

If you remember me, then I don't care if everyone else forgets.