Heavy hearts

Last night my step mother passed away. My heartaches for her family but mostly for my dad. He's such an awesome person and an even better dad. I can honestly say that comforting a parent in a time of despair is probably the worst things ive ever had to do. I feel so incompetent, I can't do anything for him except mourn with him. I found out last night that she had passed away. I was so shocked I couldn't even call or text my dad. I just woke up way early and drove home. Longest drive of my life and most peaceful. As I pulled in to the drive way, my dad was walking to the door (talk about good timing). I pulled in, turned off my car, and walked towards him. All I could do was hug him and tell him I'm sorry. As we hugged, we just cried. Seeing him sad puts knots in my stomach and tears in my eyes. I worry for him. But I have great siblings and Charlotte has an amazing family also. I don't know what comes after death. But I hope you'll be able to watch over my dad. I never gave you the respect you deserved. I know it's to late now, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a bratty teenager. I'm sorry for never saying hi when I came home or saying bye when I left. I'm sorry for not opening up to you. I'm sorry for not being more helpful. I'm sorry that I was too stubborn to allow you into my life. I'm sorry for never texting you back. I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. I think a good person is someone that keeps trying to open up and be someone's friend even when the other person won't. In all sincerity, Charlotte, thank you for everything. May you rest in peace.

Click.
Hi, my name is Kim, and I'm addicted to making unnecessary list's- constantly. For the littlest things, ever. Crossing things off. Checking things off. Circling things. Adding things. Pulling out a piece of paper from my pocket, and planning my day according to my scribbles (sometimes literally scribbles, my hand writing can resemble a 8 year old's sometimes...). I'm becoming something I've dreaded forever... I'M A MONSTER! Haha.
I've always told myself that I would not be that kind of "person". Someone who has to live by a piece of paper. That my only sense of accomplishment comes from crossing off a task. I don't like the feeling that my day feels unorganized and I can't remember what I need to do next. But, I hate having my life dictated by a flimsy paper. I guess this is what growing up entails? I won't object to much though... I have been getting things done, like a boss.
Yesterday, me, Colton, Mckell, and Cody went up to Manuta and had a nice bon fire! Just what I needed. Something outdoors and something that involved food (;
Also, on Saturday I will be moving into my apartment or Sunday... either or works for me. I just need to pack. :/
My roommates are Nick, Clark, and Parker. For a month or so it will just be Nick and I. Then Clark and Parker will move in with us later. Yeah, I have three guy roommates... way better than three girl roommates, that's for sure. I'm really pushing my limits with this goal of moving out. I really didn't think it through. But, here's to living and learning, running out of money, and between all that, looking for a job!

What a week!

I'm just going to start off by venting. But, click here, and listen.

Why, do people thinks its okay to lie? The next lie I hear, I'm going to punch someone. Yeah, that may not sound real intimidating... but that's all I have. So yeah!
Also, why does my immune system hate me?...

On Friday, my friend Nick and I walked around Salt Lake and went apartment hunting. We seriously walked forever it seems. I asked him, "is this what a heart attack feels like?". I felt pretty accomplished, I called and made all the appointments and I think we did pretty swell that day! We found three apartments that we really liked and that were decently priced, conveniently located, and somewhat spacious. The one we really have our hearts set on is one in the avenues. It's really old... but for only 700 a month (split 4 ways) can't get much better than that!
If I get my own room, then I'll pay a little more for that. I had a good time walking around though! Last week I probably turned in 40 applications to different places in Salt Lake. I really want to get on at the University Hospital. But there was a position I applied for that was at Primary Children's, I'd like that one as well!
As for school, I'm going to just take online classes for Fall semester (someone please motivate me.. I don't know how well I'll like full-time credits- online) and just ride the front runner to Weber if needs be.
Tomorrow my work is having a pot luck. Tomorrow will be the last day there. A little unsettling, but I'm kind of glad. I needed a change and something to get me to appreciate all I do have.
This week I should have been super stressed because:

• My work of 3 years is closing
• Jobless
• FINALS week is enough to send anyone into shock
• Apartment hunting
• I'm convinced my tonsils are trying to kill me

But, for some weird reason I don't feel that stressed.

I'm trying to think of things to put on my wall when I move... but I'm having the hardest time. *Girl problems, sigh* 

Chin up

When I say chin up... Think of swimming and how you gradually walk deeper and deeper, finally you have to fight to just even breath. That pretty much sums up my whole day today.
I won't beat around the bush, I'll give it to you how I got it. The place that I have been employed at for 3 years is closing down. The big days is April 10th... Wow, thanks for the two week notice...NOT! Luckily, I was offered a job at Ogden Regional this same day. Creepy how things workout. I still may not except their offer. I feel like if I take the job that I'll be stuck there and never want to leave. Yes, go ahead and tell me how crazy I am to deny a great job, right after I lost my other one. Does everything happen for a reason? Is there really such thing as "karma" and if so... Did I do something to deserve this?
Well, there you have it. I'll write more about this when I'm on a better typing devise.



“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”
— F. Scott Fitzgerald 

Change never felt so good!

I thought for the longest time that I wanted to be with a specific someone. I really thought the world of this person for the longest time. I waited and waited and... pretty much waited for them -through thick and more thick. Along the way I wouldn't allow myself to get attached to anyone else and I would deny any so said feelings towards anyone that I dated in between, sadly I ruined A LOT of really great things, and I'm kicking myself for it now. Well, then things finally started to fall into place. Or so I thought... I don't know what switched in me. Maybe the possessiveness, controlling, unstable, and aggressive demeanor that surfaced in him. I'm not really sure, but all I know is I suddenly had no desire to be with him. Well, here I am. Free from all that and ready to make up for lost time. Knowing my personality, I would say I'm bitter towards relationships and that I never want to go through that again. But, I feel refreshed and new. Turning over a new leaf never felt so good. I should have posted this over a month ago, so I'm sorry for that!!

Lately I have been trying really hard to enjoy things more. Whether it been holding my nieces closer and a little longer (I would also include my nephew, but he is a stinker and wont let me hold him... real heart breaker that one is), having a more positive attitude at work, taking a little longer on my homework, turning the radio off while I drive, or talking to old friends.
Also, school is almost over with! About two more weeks, I still haven't decided on if I would attend the summer semester or not. :/

I'm craving...

A situation that is difficult. That will make me want to better myself. I feel like I know myself best when I'm in situations that challenge me and force me to grow. It has been a while...
For the past two months I've been in a messy situation, but I hardly think that scenario is making me grow. It's just making me irritated and bitter. But, like all things, they change and it's getting better.

For some reason I really liked this^.

Truth is...

I wish more than anything that I could talk to my sister. I mean, she's my best friend and all. I try to ask advise from her, but her religious background starts to play a major role in her answers. I know she just wants the best for me, and that's what she thinks is the best answer... but, I wish I could just talk to her and not have to edit things out or repeatedly say, "I know you want me to get married in the temple, but I'm not worried about that". But, what I really wish is that she could see that there are wonderful guys out there, and no they are not returned missionaries. I would love to be able to call her everyday and tell her about a guy or a date that I went on, sadly she would not approve.. (also, I should note, I don't go on dates that much... actually hardly ever, I just exaggerated the previous statement to emphasis..) Anyway, I wish my family would just be "normal" for a day...

This Sunday I'll be heading to Vegas for a night! My friend Chris will be down there for the 311 concert, and so me and a couple friends are going down. I'd say I'm excited, but that's a very big understatement!!