awkward

I decided to write a little about growing up. 

Personally, I try not think too much into my past. But, in reality it was a huge part of what made me, well, me... duh. I'm not writing to get sympathy or a pat on the back. More so to maybe help myself now, and later. Maybe if you read this you'll see me as a person, and not just some girl that has weird antics or bad habits. Or maybe we can relate to each other.

This will be in different ages that I can remember. Different events in my life that I can recall. It wont be consistent, I can promise you that. I'll post now and maybe post again in 2 years.. that's just what works for me. This is me, enjoy.

AGE 8

By this time my parents have gotten a divorce. I'm too young to understand the concept of not loving or even loving someone, so this has no real affect on my now. I don't even remember my parents telling me they were getting divorced, I think my mom just left my dad and I woke up somewhere different that morning. When I say left my dad, she literally left.. he had to deal with the house, moving everything, selling everything, dealing with the questions floating around. I do remember all too well being the only girl in school and church that had divorced parents. I felt like I was a disease, my church leaders would look at me like I was abandoned, like I was a stray. I hated feeling different or looked out like my life was doomed to be normal. With their divorce I also can remember is going from house to house. To my dads, my mom, my grandmas, moving to different apartments with my mom, sleeping on the couch as my dads, staying up way too late with no supervision with my bother. 

The thing that bothers me at this age is moving to so many different schools. I'm not sure why my mom moved around so much. I moved so much that I don't even remember my teachers names, I just remember their faces. I remember friends, I remember faces of friends, I remember the feeling of always being the new kid, it never went away. 

I'm 8 years old (and counties until i'm 10 or so) and still sleep in my dads bed sometimes. I can't grasp if it is wrong or not. Even now, I'm not sure what to think of it. Nothing ever happened, maybe it was because I didn't have a bed- I'll just leave it at that.

At this time my mom remarries the biggest piece of shit. Granted I'm 8, I don't know how to judge character. His name is Kay. Have you ever not felt safe in your own home, in your own room? It's a feeling that no one should have to feel. fast forward a few years, I'm 10. I have outburst of hating my life. I scream and cry and yell. I hate living with my mom. Everyday I tell her I want to live with my dad. She never gives in. Why does she want me living there? She never gives me the time of day and it's clear she'd rather spend her time with Kay. I'm not wanted, but I'm stuck. I can't even leave my room most days, because I hate the way Kay looks at me. I hate being a girl, I hate myself. 

I tell my mom I'm uncomfortable around him, nothing happens, and I'm pushed aside. 

My dad- doesn't know how to be a dad. God, does that feel good to get out. My whole life i've lied to myself about him. Oh, he'd help anyone in  heart beat, but he'll forget his kids birthdays and not get you anything for christmas. Not the point, but also the point. He was my hero growing up, but things change. 

My mom- poison. I don't really know another word to describe her. She really is one of the nicest people you'll meet. But being selfish is poison. She'll talk all day about loving you, but always choose herself in the end. Always. It's tiring, it's draining, it's life. You'll never be able to change someone like her. I've tried my whole life. All it has gotten me is sleepless nights and lots of tears. 

Yes, I am still alive!

I know I haven't wrote in a very long time. I am ashamed to admit it. This was once my place to vent and write all my memories down, and now I never have time. Currently I'm in nursing school so my spare time is spent studying and sleeping.
I did want to update the world that I have opened an etsy shop! Go look around the one product that I offer haha.


https://www.etsy.com/shop/SaltypinesStudio?ref=hdr_shop_menu


I make macrame items and this one is a deal of all deals!

Summer Time Sadness

Brace yourself. Everything good may come to an end. How silly is it, that your whole life can be determined by a electronic paper and a few words. Get ready to be compared and contrasted to a couple hundred of people, that you know have fought harder and longer to get to the top. Wait, hold your tongue... you may say the wrong thing. Everyone says, 'if you don't try, how will you ever know?'. Life has shut me down, one too many times. I'm scared, really scared. So, brace yourself. My gut feeling has me on the verge of a nervous break down.

To: you From: me

I just wanted to write you a "letter". So, you'll have to deal with me being all cheesy, mushy, gooey for like a couple paragraphs. I just wanted to thank you, thank you for being so loving, patient, and understanding. I was thinking a lot about what you said on our way home from Red Rocks, you know, that you hope I was happy and that you hope that I don't feel obligated to stay with you because I live with you and have nowhere else to go. haha. But, I hope I was clear in my response... I'm way happy with you and I always have been! Being with you has been my favorite thing/ has been interesting, we've had a lot of ups and downs. From living in different cities, you being reckless, then me being reckless, to moving in with you, me crying to you countless times about school or you not listening /caring what I say.. hah. Sometimes I get nervous and make myself distanced from you... I just get scared. I mean, how did I get someone like you to like me...I'm this shy, introverted person that comes up with thee most random childish things. :/ Well, anyway, I hope you know you've really improved and you're the best listener now, you've never made me feel not loved, and you make me smile constantly. I feel like we sort of have each other figured out and hopefully it gets better!
If you're ever unhappy or anything is bothering you, I hope you will talk to me about it. And I hope you never get board of me..
I have too many thoughts going through my head though. If you want to hear more I can tell you tonight.

bye, (:

Is there comfort in being second runner up

Do you ever get used to coming in last? Or being the only person you can rely on? Or is life just a constant mess of "I should have tried harder".  Where is the line when you can just stop feeling disappointed... Is that the way we grow and learn?  Does anyone even care about anyone else but theirselves?  Does anyone even listen to you when you talk or engage interest in anyone but theirselves. Ironically, I'm the best at it.

word junk

For the longest time I fought the annoying urge to keep to myself. I mean, everyone I looked up to was outgoing (extroverted). I would ask people to hangout. Text people all the time. Try to think of witty things to say. Find things to do with people and try to get groups of people together to do activities. I hated when I was with most people (not family related). I would be with people and wish I was home or with individuals that I felt comfortable with. I guess this coincides with myself growing up. As I get older, I find that I don't care what people think. If I want to be alone, I'll just walk away and go read or clean (not the funniest activity but I make due).. probably not the friendliest approach, and it can get pretty award a some points, but like I said... I don't care. Most days I do wish I was more outgoing and wanted/ had more friends. I mostly wish I had someone to talk to. I like listening, but having a symbiotic relationship of talking would be ideal. I guess it doesn't bother me too much. I'm used to being ignored. I mean, my whole childhood I never felt wanted. I remember begging my mom to let me live with my dad. Constant tears of hate and frustration. I just wanted to be somewhere I was comfortable and wanted.
This blog has turned to me complaining. But who else am I supposed to turn to? I have so much bottled up and this is the place that I can get it all out.
My life is pretty great though. So Just ignore this...

Exposer is no place for a coward

I've never felt so depressed in my life. I guess having a home and a safe place is my comfort. I never knew trying to make people happy was such a daunting task and I feel drained. So when does the cortisol start kicking in? When do I go into fight mode and start making life my bitch. Or am I the  one that flees? Life was going so great. How could I let my guard down. Now, as I have no home, the semester comes and I haven't seriously studied once.. And I don't even care if I don't do well. That doesn't sound like me and I don't know what's wrong. From the student that's never been late or missed an assignment. I'm ready to surrender. Here's my white flag. You won.

Annual update...

!!!! And you guessed it, still doing the same thing as the last time I updated about myself. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing...
Today I just thought i'd do something different and blogging was just the thing. Maybe because I have way to much on my mind.
Don't you just hate when every negative thought comes to your mind. When you do nothing but feel sorry for yourself. Or when you feel like crying for no apparent reason. Yeah, I hate days like that too. I don't even know why I get in that mind set. I'm generally a happy person.
But a thought that always keeps reoccurring in my mind is... how much I hate my parents. And how much I envy people with good ones. I can't help but think how selfish my mom and dad are. What even makes an individual selfish? No one teaches it to their kids, it seems like a natural instinct? I don't understand. Anyway, that could be a whole other blog post in and of itself. I love my parents, promise. I just hate how they  are oblivious to their children. Now, here I am, fearing I'll turn out just like them... or better yet hating people that remind me of them. When someone is selfish or oblivious to other people. I can't help but clench my teeth together and try to let the moment pass. My only hope is probably my sister. The love she has for her kids is pure and her selflessness for them boggles my mind. Where did she learn that, certainty not from my parents. Where I'd be without her, I don't like to think about.
Anyway, I feel somewhat better.

That time again?

here Please, please, please tell me i'm not the only abnormal person... that always thinks about death.  It's a sore in my mouth that I can't leave alone. It's my roommates alarm that I can vaguely hear in the mornings, just enough to wake me but not loud enough to disturb me completely. 
Maybe it's because my birthday is tomorrow, and I dread nothing more than growing up. But, I can't shake the thought of dying or worse... losing people I love. Isn't that the most horrible thing ever? Loving something and inevitably knowing they'll be gone. I guess this shouldn't be a big deal and all, because I can't do a thing about it. But, it's bothering me more so than ever. It's making me become agitated with people and myself. I don't like it. And I hope it passes soon. 

It has been a recurring question, and you think that it would get easier to answer. But its never been easy for me to answer. I have a mini melt down when I'm forced to answer it.
So, for the sake of reassurance that I do in fact enjoy things, i need to put my mind at ease.
... I like reading, I love it actually. My favorite places and people are in a paper back novel on my shelf.
I like writing. I've never been anything close to a verbal person. I even find myself stuttering over words sometimes and when I try to explain something to someone, it never makes sense.
I like film cameras anything more and i'm not as amused. 
I like when I have nothing to do during the day, and I can do anything or nothing, if I please.
I like traveling. Secretly, I think its my best favorite because I'm usually with Scott.
I like being wrong. It forces me to be right. 
I like animals. A lot!
I like memorizing poems, camping, rock climbing, music...
I guess I could go on all day. But i'll stop. 

Unable are the Loved to die
For Love is Immortality,
Nay, it is Deity—

Unable they that love—to die
For Love reforms Vitality
Into Divinity. 
I just memorized this.. now I need to find a new one. 

 

When I die

When I die.
When my brain stops processing.
When my breathing slows to nothing.
When I start going in and out of reality.
When that cooling sensation overwhelms me.
When ever that happens...
Just let me go.

When I die, just let me go.
Don't keep me alive... with Facebook pages or writing on my 'wall'.
I want to be none existent. It's either that, or I want glory to my name..
But, lets be honest. That won't happen.
If you miss me, I'll know.
So, just let me go.

My life is becoming a chore.
I wake up dreading each day. More. And. More.
I have to talk myself out of quitting my job.
I can't help but stare at people and wish I were them.
Because anything is better than.. this.
I'm getting used to myself again. Because my own company always seems rather dull. But, I prefer it over other.
I used to love looking at and taking pictures. That too is a chore. And I'm starting to hate it.
Gloomy over cast days is all I want.That, and sleep.
Where my mind can wonder, but my body can go limp.

Sunshine and road trips

On my most recent adventure, I went on a smallish road trip to Riggins, Idaho.
Small, podunk town in what seems like is hidden behind rolling mountains. Beautiful and scorching hot- it was a blast.
Nothing can compare to throwing back your seat, closing your eyes, and the only sound is the tires skimming the road.
When that warm sun radiantly hits your eye lids and warms your skin, like you were made for nothing else but to succumb to the rays engulfing every cell in your body. You can't sleep, for the movement of shadows just puts you in a trance. You can't help but to think about everything and nothing all at once. With the person you adore to adoration's fullest potential. The sense that they are next to you makes your heart go into arrhythmia. Not because you need them or you feel insecure without them, but because it's quite the opposite.
Now, time for the next adventure. Because I feed off long days, good company, and  being somewhere that's unfamiliar to me. 

I still blog?

Enjoy(: I have the biggest love hate relationship with my days off. I get so bored when I'm home all day. I have spent all day reading about plants and plant reproduction. I promise, if I hear or see the words male stamen or pistil i'll vomit.

Is it bad to be content with something that you shouldn't be content with?
Seems that's the ultimate goal of most. To be content... or something to that sort.
I just feel like I'm becoming content with who I am, which isn't a bad thing- I guess..
I just know this isn't who I want to be. I mean, who willing wants to be the too shy girl that would rather read than go out and be, you know, social. The girl that holds back because she's afraid of the world. The weirdly passively aggressive girl that is around because, she was invited by someone else. Or the  always under dressed, doesn't have a real hobby, thinks to much, never knows what to say to anyone, and is overly obsessed how her apps on her phone are arranged. Seriously though, its like apple is playing a sick prank on me. Nothing looks right!!

I used to be so anal about my future. Down to the last detail I had it planned out. Sketched enticingly in my mind, and it was beautiful. It would actually motivate me to do things. Now, all I want is for my future room to have white Christmas lights strung everywhere. Nothing is better than falling asleep to the soft calming glow of worn out Christmas lights strung every which way.

Like always, my attention span is pestering me to do something else. Maybe i'll write more tomorrow..?

'The Sun, with all the planets revolving around it, and depending on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as though it had nothing else in the Universe to do.'     - Galileo Galilei

Please stop.

I keep catching myself red handed. Betrayed and ashamed. Its like a little white lie that has spread through out my body but originating in my bones. now, now its a full gone sepsis and I breath calmly, somewhat knowing its my destined route. I can almost feel it spreading, if I hold really still and try not to move. What once was so second nature now seems like my life depends on it. If I let go of it, I fear I would hemorrhage and die. I feel like if it left me, I'd have no place to go and I'd probably miss the barbaric thing. I think it hits everyone. But do they notice it too? Can they feel its weight pulling, yanking, drawing them in too? Or is this just how it is? Do I just accept it?
I feel as if I don't enjoy everything I do. When I'm one place, I yearn to be somewhere else. It eats at me so I can't fully enjoy my day. My seconds are passing by as minutes and my minutes as hours and you guessed it, my hours passing by as days. I count down to the time I get to leave and happily do what I want. What I enjoy. It's about me, because I'm selfish. 
When I'm at school, I wish I was home. Or when I'm at work it has become a second job in and of itself to look at that clock, to count down to when I get to leave.  I count down the seconds, milliseconds, nanoseconds until I'm to my sanctuary. I feel like this is the reason my life seems like it's passing by so fast. I'm always so busy, and not enjoying the small things. I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too. If I enjoyed everything, then the things I do enjoy most would seem less fulfilling.




Well, there's my nonsense for the day. Proceed with what you were previously doing, until next time..

Why...

Why can't I sleep, even though I'm exhausted. Why can't I eat, even though I'm starving.
Well, today is a different day and I already wish it was over. I wish I was home from school already and under my blankets that know how to comfort me and seems like they always know when I've had a less than appealing day. Plug my head phones in, and put the world on pause... Even if it is for two songs on pandora, then the 30 second commercial comes on and I'm briefly brought back to reality. Good thing it only last for 30 seconds.... Then I'm back.
Should I even go to school today? I'll just be a zombie if I do. I'll just be that overly nice, too quiet girl. That no one appreciates. Well, I cannot confirm nor deny that...
Only a few more class days and a handleful of work days and I can do what I want. Not sure what that exactly is.. Pack up and move somewhere? Take a vacation? Lay out in the sun all day?
Well, I'm going to go humor myself and at least enjoy my semi comfortable bed and peck at my 'protein breakfast' 3 egg whites, 1 yolk, and 4 oz carbs.

I suck.

ClickI guess some people are destened to be alone, forever. I guess I'm one of those people.
I honestly don't know how to be in a functional relationship.
You know those couples that start going out then not even two weeks later they say they "I love you". They move in with each other within a month and have joint Facebooks. Then 3 months later (a whole month more than you had predicted) they are broken up. *repeat cycle with different significat other* Yeah... i'd almost rather be in one of those realtionships. At least they know how to be in functional reationship more than me.
Me and my awkward affection.
Me and my no good emotion.
Me and my hate for opening up to people.
Me and my ignorance how to love another individual.
Me and my anti-social attitude.
Me and my fear of liking someone, then losing them.

I don't know how to get myself out of this phase. Time? Practice? Or acceptence that this is just how I am?
I confide in my roommate a lot. He tells me that I do know how to be in a functional relationship. But not everyone knows what kind of realtionship they're in.
I guess I see where he's coming from.

What do you do..

What do you do when you don't care who comes or goes. When Days are just days and you can only think about curling under blankets and reading a book . When dropping out of school and moving away crosses your mind way too much. When you want something but you are scared to obtain it. When listening to music is the only thing that will calm your nerves...
What do you do when you don't have anything special about you and it is slowly starting to be more relevant that you don't have a passion like everyone else...
When your friend asks you, 'what's one thing that you really like, it can be anything- food, family member, activity.. and you don't have an answer. You just awkwardly sit there and try to change the subject. Oddly enough you don't have to answer, but it eats at you for weeks.
Seriously, what do you do?
I'm not trying to be diagnosed with clinical depression or anything. I just feel like... I'm lost.
I mean... I love doing things. Count me in for interaction. But, I don't feel like its a passion or a hobbie.
I don't have a friend that i'm close to because we enjoy the 'same thing'.. I don't know how that would even be possible, considering I don't even know what I really enjoy.

Hibernation and stuff related to not waking up for prolonged durations..

I've honestly have been staring at this stupid computer screen for a good 10 minutes.
I don't even know where to start. So, I guess I'll start by starting off by writing about now knowing where to start..
^That was a horribly constructed intro..
Anyway, I started school on Monday. It's alright.
I really need to figure out a schedule and stick to it. I have this mentality that if I have a strict regime that my life will start being simple again.
Today I've realized a few things.
1. My whole life can be stuffed into 3 small garbage bags.
2. I really enjoy poetry.
3. I must always take my headphones everywhere, it makes people more tolerable.
4. No matter what time I wake up I'll always be tired, so I might as well just wake up at 7am like I need to do.
5. I need to put more effort into things.

 'Slut,' by Daphne Gottlieb
i die first
in every horror movie,
before the innocent boyfriend, the too-
curious best friend
and the foolhardy pal.
death comes blind fast
and easy, familiar as the top button of
my blouse popping open
and suddenly i’m an angel
on the cutting room
floor, wearing gore,
a blank stare, not much
more.
i do it over and over.
i can play
like this for hours.
sometimes i enter a dark
room and unbutton
my shirt, rock my hips
side to side
until the killer’s music comes on.
then I button up
quick, laughing or
shaking, sometimes
both.
from the way i look
after i’m split open
you’d never know:
i was born a baby.
i still sleep
with my stuffed poodle.
her name is “tammy.”
after my parents divorced, i wet
the bed for a year.
i want to be a nurse.
my favorite color is blue.
first kiss at 12,
first shame at 13,
first blood at 14.
skipped four years
of gym, skimmed just the tips
of my stepfather’s
fingers, nothing more.
i never took my clothes off
for a doctor but my body
became a secret
handshake
all the boys knew
and i didn’t.
the ghost story
made me a ghost.
now, at 16,
i only remember my own
skin when i am touched.
it makes me real
when i strip down,
take it off, find the edges of my body
through your eyes or under
your hands, against your skin.
it feels like death
every time you
stop.
there is nothing i can do
except open my throat
and say the word for girls
who are the ghosts of want:
“slut.”
i’ll take my shirt off
while you watch—
call it love
when the knife rips
through my ribs,
when the ice pick cracks
my chest, or however
it happens this time
but first
here’s my prayer:
that what happens to girls like me
who die dirty, give it up
with a shudder like pleasure—
pray that when we’re killed as martyrs
we get loved like saints.

Bout that time

It's about time that I update the world. And by the world I mean you. And by you I mean myself. Because I'm about as entertaining as grass growing, so I'm pretty much writing in regards to myself.
Well, I don't feel like anything has changed since the last time I wrote, but then I look back and nothing is the same. So, riddle me that :/
I went to California for the first time. Can I please just live there? Better yet, can I please just go on another vacation?
This awful awful semester is finally over. Now, time to buckle down and just get the rest done with. I'm so ready to do something more than just half-assing my way through things. The best thing about life, when you mess up, you can just try again. So, here's to my 2nd attempt to do better and here's to my 1st attempt to do it. Does that even make sense?... yeah, didn't think so.
Anyway, today I went to my sister's house for dinner. I rode over with my Dad and brother. It was nice to see all of them. Those baby nieces of mine amaze me.

Over all, my life is still wonderful. Every now and then I always think, 'my life is perfect right now, I have all the people I need and want'. But, the last time I honestly thought that, my Grandma passed away shortly after... but nonetheless I still cautiously think it from time to time.

Some days,

I can't get this song out of my mind.
Some days I make it a point to go unnoticed. To not make contact with anyone around me, even if I go out and walk around. I try to avoid talking to anyone. I just try to not a say a word all day. Sounds depressing, right? I think it's more relaxing than anything.

 

 

If you remember me, then I don't care if everyone else forgets.





Hi, I'm Kim...

Kimberlee Mee Yung Westover is my full legal name.
I'm 21 years old.
I have 1 sister and 2 brothers.
I'm a Libra, and I feel like it's fitting. I'm very balanced.
Sometimes I can't tell if i'm indecisive or just really passive.
Sometimes I can't tell if i'm shy or just anti-social.
For being so passive, I can be very stubborn.
I contradict myself frequently... as you can probably see.
I hate being woken up to someone vacuuming.. worst thing ever.
Growing up sucks, but I would stay in this stage forever if I could. going to school, monitoring my gas to make it last until my next pay check... I like that... to a certain point.
I've never been a worrier. I just go with the flow of things. I mean, I had little to no money when I moved away from home and no job but somehow everything always works out.
I don't watch tv, so I never know about tv series or what happened on the news.
I'm not a health freak, but I look at food labels like I am one.
I want THIS but in a guy form... and maybe a little less emotional.
I grew up in Brigham/Roy.
I moved around a lot when I was little, so I went to more schools than I can count.
I usually only hang out with males.
I way a very hateful preteen... maybe that's why I'm so 'timid' ish now.
Whenever the opportunity is presented to me to make a wish, I take it.
Im scared of the dark, but I can only sleep if it's pure darkness.. With a few exceptions.
I'm a momma's girl and a daddy's girl, the best of both worlds, eh?
I used to LOVE summer, but fall is starting to engulfing my heart.
I used to want to pursue a million things. Nursing, photography, pharmacy tech, become great at sewing, ect. Now I'm just in a stage where I don't know where to start.. or what to do..
My life goal is to become a Nurse Anesthetist though.
I'm a bookworm, but tend to read in spurts.
I'm not fancy. My clothes are simple, I don't pay money to get my nails done, I cut my own hair, and I dont take 2 hours to get ready.
I'm so ticklish that it's almost ridiculous.
I will own a husky malamute one day. I had one when I was little, and I will have one when I'm older.
I think cooking is fun... But eating is way more fun.
I'm a sucker for stupid love songs.
I love the colors periwinkle and yellow.
Im pretty timid, but if I want something- then ill get it.
When i'm older, I want to adopt a child. An older one. Like 3 or 5. One that received the short end of the stick, and give them a second chance.
I've never really been out of Utah that much.
I've never been to the ocean, Disney Land, or any of those other places.
I can't swim......................... that well.
Whenever I sleep, I have to have something covering me. Even if it's 100 degrees.
I hate wearing shoes.
I hate sleeping with socks on.
I like people with a great sense of humor.
Whenever I drive by myself, I try to get into a state where I just think and listen to music. I say try, because I'm usually just jamming out to music.. but I like the feeling of just thinking, listening to music, and driving.. i've never meditated, but I'm pretty sure that's how it feels.
It's hard for me to make my mind wonder.. I'm always too aware of my surroundings.
I've always wanted to travel to Nova Scotia... just because I hear people sing about it... okay twice, but Id still like to go there.
Oh, and also, my sense of direction is horrible.


..I guess this sums me up. Its taken me a while to even complete this little post. I hope I can figure more stuff out about myself and maybe do a continuation of this.