awkward

I decided to write a little about growing up. 

Personally, I try not think too much into my past. But, in reality it was a huge part of what made me, well, me... duh. I'm not writing to get sympathy or a pat on the back. More so to maybe help myself now, and later. Maybe if you read this you'll see me as a person, and not just some girl that has weird antics or bad habits. Or maybe we can relate to each other.

This will be in different ages that I can remember. Different events in my life that I can recall. It wont be consistent, I can promise you that. I'll post now and maybe post again in 2 years.. that's just what works for me. This is me, enjoy.

AGE 8

By this time my parents have gotten a divorce. I'm too young to understand the concept of not loving or even loving someone, so this has no real affect on my now. I don't even remember my parents telling me they were getting divorced, I think my mom just left my dad and I woke up somewhere different that morning. When I say left my dad, she literally left.. he had to deal with the house, moving everything, selling everything, dealing with the questions floating around. I do remember all too well being the only girl in school and church that had divorced parents. I felt like I was a disease, my church leaders would look at me like I was abandoned, like I was a stray. I hated feeling different or looked out like my life was doomed to be normal. With their divorce I also can remember is going from house to house. To my dads, my mom, my grandmas, moving to different apartments with my mom, sleeping on the couch as my dads, staying up way too late with no supervision with my bother. 

The thing that bothers me at this age is moving to so many different schools. I'm not sure why my mom moved around so much. I moved so much that I don't even remember my teachers names, I just remember their faces. I remember friends, I remember faces of friends, I remember the feeling of always being the new kid, it never went away. 

I'm 8 years old (and counties until i'm 10 or so) and still sleep in my dads bed sometimes. I can't grasp if it is wrong or not. Even now, I'm not sure what to think of it. Nothing ever happened, maybe it was because I didn't have a bed- I'll just leave it at that.

At this time my mom remarries the biggest piece of shit. Granted I'm 8, I don't know how to judge character. His name is Kay. Have you ever not felt safe in your own home, in your own room? It's a feeling that no one should have to feel. fast forward a few years, I'm 10. I have outburst of hating my life. I scream and cry and yell. I hate living with my mom. Everyday I tell her I want to live with my dad. She never gives in. Why does she want me living there? She never gives me the time of day and it's clear she'd rather spend her time with Kay. I'm not wanted, but I'm stuck. I can't even leave my room most days, because I hate the way Kay looks at me. I hate being a girl, I hate myself. 

I tell my mom I'm uncomfortable around him, nothing happens, and I'm pushed aside. 

My dad- doesn't know how to be a dad. God, does that feel good to get out. My whole life i've lied to myself about him. Oh, he'd help anyone in  heart beat, but he'll forget his kids birthdays and not get you anything for christmas. Not the point, but also the point. He was my hero growing up, but things change. 

My mom- poison. I don't really know another word to describe her. She really is one of the nicest people you'll meet. But being selfish is poison. She'll talk all day about loving you, but always choose herself in the end. Always. It's tiring, it's draining, it's life. You'll never be able to change someone like her. I've tried my whole life. All it has gotten me is sleepless nights and lots of tears. 

Yes, I am still alive!

I know I haven't wrote in a very long time. I am ashamed to admit it. This was once my place to vent and write all my memories down, and now I never have time. Currently I'm in nursing school so my spare time is spent studying and sleeping.
I did want to update the world that I have opened an etsy shop! Go look around the one product that I offer haha.


https://www.etsy.com/shop/SaltypinesStudio?ref=hdr_shop_menu


I make macrame items and this one is a deal of all deals!

Summer Time Sadness

Brace yourself. Everything good may come to an end. How silly is it, that your whole life can be determined by a electronic paper and a few words. Get ready to be compared and contrasted to a couple hundred of people, that you know have fought harder and longer to get to the top. Wait, hold your tongue... you may say the wrong thing. Everyone says, 'if you don't try, how will you ever know?'. Life has shut me down, one too many times. I'm scared, really scared. So, brace yourself. My gut feeling has me on the verge of a nervous break down.

To: you From: me

I just wanted to write you a "letter". So, you'll have to deal with me being all cheesy, mushy, gooey for like a couple paragraphs. I just wanted to thank you, thank you for being so loving, patient, and understanding. I was thinking a lot about what you said on our way home from Red Rocks, you know, that you hope I was happy and that you hope that I don't feel obligated to stay with you because I live with you and have nowhere else to go. haha. But, I hope I was clear in my response... I'm way happy with you and I always have been! Being with you has been my favorite thing/ has been interesting, we've had a lot of ups and downs. From living in different cities, you being reckless, then me being reckless, to moving in with you, me crying to you countless times about school or you not listening /caring what I say.. hah. Sometimes I get nervous and make myself distanced from you... I just get scared. I mean, how did I get someone like you to like me...I'm this shy, introverted person that comes up with thee most random childish things. :/ Well, anyway, I hope you know you've really improved and you're the best listener now, you've never made me feel not loved, and you make me smile constantly. I feel like we sort of have each other figured out and hopefully it gets better!
If you're ever unhappy or anything is bothering you, I hope you will talk to me about it. And I hope you never get board of me..
I have too many thoughts going through my head though. If you want to hear more I can tell you tonight.

bye, (:

Is there comfort in being second runner up

Do you ever get used to coming in last? Or being the only person you can rely on? Or is life just a constant mess of "I should have tried harder".  Where is the line when you can just stop feeling disappointed... Is that the way we grow and learn?  Does anyone even care about anyone else but theirselves?  Does anyone even listen to you when you talk or engage interest in anyone but theirselves. Ironically, I'm the best at it.

word junk

For the longest time I fought the annoying urge to keep to myself. I mean, everyone I looked up to was outgoing (extroverted). I would ask people to hangout. Text people all the time. Try to think of witty things to say. Find things to do with people and try to get groups of people together to do activities. I hated when I was with most people (not family related). I would be with people and wish I was home or with individuals that I felt comfortable with. I guess this coincides with myself growing up. As I get older, I find that I don't care what people think. If I want to be alone, I'll just walk away and go read or clean (not the funniest activity but I make due).. probably not the friendliest approach, and it can get pretty award a some points, but like I said... I don't care. Most days I do wish I was more outgoing and wanted/ had more friends. I mostly wish I had someone to talk to. I like listening, but having a symbiotic relationship of talking would be ideal. I guess it doesn't bother me too much. I'm used to being ignored. I mean, my whole childhood I never felt wanted. I remember begging my mom to let me live with my dad. Constant tears of hate and frustration. I just wanted to be somewhere I was comfortable and wanted.
This blog has turned to me complaining. But who else am I supposed to turn to? I have so much bottled up and this is the place that I can get it all out.
My life is pretty great though. So Just ignore this...

Exposer is no place for a coward

I've never felt so depressed in my life. I guess having a home and a safe place is my comfort. I never knew trying to make people happy was such a daunting task and I feel drained. So when does the cortisol start kicking in? When do I go into fight mode and start making life my bitch. Or am I the  one that flees? Life was going so great. How could I let my guard down. Now, as I have no home, the semester comes and I haven't seriously studied once.. And I don't even care if I don't do well. That doesn't sound like me and I don't know what's wrong. From the student that's never been late or missed an assignment. I'm ready to surrender. Here's my white flag. You won.